Sunday, January 11, 2009

Riding the crimson wave again.

A couple days ago I wrote some stuff concerning my thoughts about women with disordered eating habits and lack a menstrual cycle. Unfortunately I also mentioned my own personal LACK of a menstrual cycle for 7 or 8 months. However, I have some news....... to be blunt? I got my womanhood back today. Ironic no?

My brain is definitely in two places right now currently and it's sad that I can't control it. The mean part of my brain (the EDNOS) is yelling, "FAILUREEEEEE!!!!" and is trying to convince me that this is ultimately a bad thing. It's saying that this shows no existance of willpower and all this other horrible nonsense; if y'all could be in my brain right now you would see a BATTLE going on. The other part of my brain (the smart part of me) is repeating, "You're closer to being HEALTHY and this IS a good thing". It's fighting back so hard and I truly want to believe that everything is going to be OK. I'm scared though to be honest.... my EDNOS was, and still kind of is, that source of comfort when everything else seems to be screwed up as hell. To consider one day giving up that comfort is not something I'm looking forward to but I think in my heart I know it's what is for the best. I mean hey, I can say that I don't have amenorrhea! So now if I do ever actually want to have babies, I can =)

And tomorrow Larabars/Clif bars/Kashi bars/Zone bars are on sale 10 for $10 so I am going to grab a bunch for Rider-ness! I hope they have some good and tasty ones! (sighs) Optimism, I need to keep optimistic.... I can do this, I KNOW I can.
LOL it's a lot easier being optimistic when you have crazy things like THIS is laugh at!