Sunday, January 4, 2009

Relapse in a sense.... DAMN.

Is it weird for an English major to be totally in love with a song called "Finite Simple Group" that is basically one big MATH joke?? Hopefully not because that is totally the case! I had to download it off of Youtube considering I kind of refuse to buy song off Napster or iTunes or anything related. It's all good though, the song is fun and makes me happy for some strange reason.

Happy is definitely something I need as of now; I've had something of a "bad" day I guess you could say. Basically the pessimist in me came out full-fledged thus entitling me to completely give up any sort of hope about the future of my life. It was an intense attack of self-loathing and OF COURSE in the brain of KeriBop self-loathing and self-consciousness come hand in hand with each other. For the most part I've been doing quite well in keeping my whole body dysmorphic/EDNOS at bay but as expected I had something of a relapse today. Like the disgusting impulse it is I ate at 10 in the morning and then would NOT let myself eat until 7. I KNEW this was going to happen again and the worst part of it was that I forgot how comforting that feeling it.

I'm really pissed at myself for allowing myself to reduce my intake so greatly AND to go running while lacking food energy. I screwed up and can only hope that my stupid brain doesn't want to attempt this nonsense AGAIN tomorrow. My bad mood is rather evident and EXTREMELY contradicting because I hate myself for still loving that empty feeling of a low daily intake.