Monday, January 12, 2009

ED is currently winning the war.

I thought I would be stronger than this but I'm not. I just did a half hour mirror check when I clearly know by now that that is a BAD idea. I bought a dress today and when I tried it on.... well, let's just say I wasn't happy with how it looked. Like an impulse my mind was just like POW "you look like your pregnant" and POW "nice double chin fatass" and the other negative things that I just want to keep away. I really do want to be OK but I do NOT think I'm even at the point of being able to blatantly say that I think I'm beautiful. And earlier today my mom told me how much she weighs 142 and then proceeded to ask me if I weighed around 150.


I admit it. I'm NOT 150 and I do know the real number. Even in this time of "recovery" that I'm attempting I still can't help but be ashamed of the number. So horribly and utterly ashamed of what my weight is right now. I want so desperately to not care anymore and just be a "healthy" weight and yet I'm disgusted with myself still.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm going to chalk this under the section known as a sort of "relapse" because the ED has taken over my brain completely at the present moment and isn't letting go. To go back to how everything was would be so EASY; you never forget something you were once the master of. I know I shouldn't go back but if even if I'm trying so hard to be happy and it's still NOT happening then what else is there left for me to do?