Thursday, February 26, 2009

Tis' progress... and maybe snow!?!?

Good morning everyone! Apparently Rider U is supposed to be receiving anywhere from 6 to 17 inches of snow, depending on which weather website (ALLITERATIONNNNN!) you decide to listen to! The only way I will be able to full appreciate the snow is if it snows the PROPER way. By this I mean none of that "slight flurries" nonsense, I'm talking beautiful legit snowflakes! Those dinky little flurries are kind of like nature's version of fat free snow I guess you could say.

Good grief, did I really just make that analogy? Yes, yes I did. This brings me to the point of talking a bit about my last counselling session on Tuesday. Basically it was me blabbing for quite a while about all these revelations that I seemed to have had throughout the course of last week. I think because I've been trying to slowly make the transition to the "healthy" way of life that it's caused me to pick up on things that have become completely routine for me. For instance, there's this:

I'm not if you can see it super clealy but basically that is me stopping mid-note to count the calories that I've had; this was the other day, perhaps Monday? (And I was learning about Beoqwulf too!) I had NEVER noticed this before so I started browsing through some of my older notebooks from last year and first semester of this year. Let me tell you, these little calculations are ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'm pretty certain that every time I took notes I count calories as well. Lee (from For the Love of Peanut Butter, forgive me, I don't know how to provide links!) just mentioned this EXACT thing in her most recent post and when I read her amazing words of wisdom concerning the matter I instantly felt comforted. I have this immeasurable amount of respect for that girl and reading what she had to say reminds me that change is hard, but it CAN happen!


My Leah (my counsellor!) told me that the fact that I even caught on to this behavior is progress within itself. I'm seeing everything as if equipt with a new set of eyes. I've been able to catch on to many of my acquired habits that I've had as long as I can remember. I STILL keep under 900 calories, I STILL think about food constantly, I STILL feel guilty after eating a good chunk of the time and I STILL have a sense of immense unhappiness in regards to my views about my body but now I KNOW that I'm doing these things. A year ago this would've been regarded as completely normal but to be blunt, these things are not normal under any circumstances. It's a step towards changing for the better. =) One thing at a time.

I do have something QUITE EXCITING to make mention of though. Drumroll please!

(random drumroll noises)

My count has officially reached a MONTH!!! I'm both surprised and extremely pleased with myself; it's a big deal to have gotten this far. I can't help but make the reference last year; it would have not been a thought in my mind to stop what I was doing. Now, however, I'm blatantly proud of myself! Say yesssss to progressssssss. I'm a snake! Sssssssssss. Errrr...... yay for me!

Can anyone say HARRYPOTTERLAND??? 2010.... the English major children of Rider U are GOING TO BE THERE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!


Monday, February 23, 2009

Two hearts! Mark it up!

Hello hello everyone! I feel much much better today, would you believe that? I'm quite the toolbag sometimes. Turns out that I did NOT break my count, nor did I smoke, nor did I cry. I had to repress some of the emotions, I wrote down a bit of how I was feeling. Actually I ended up falling asleep from 5 to 7 so maybe I put ED to sleep for now? Grapes, that's probably not the best thing I could've done but (sigh) I'm a work in progress.

Needless to say my list of things to talk about to Leah tomorrow is not lacking. There have been things that I've been noticing that I need to talk about; habits, thoughts, etc. Every time I thought of something I ended up writing it down in one of my notebooks so now I have to go through the bunch of 'em and find them all! Of course I would do something like that... I'm a weirdy most of the time =)

By the by, Edi being here was probably the best thing ever. Haha, Sam's boyfriend was here also so it was kind of chaotic with the happenings but in the best possible way mind you! We partied, sat in Dalys for hours upon hours, bought a lifesized cardboard cutout of Rob Pattinson for my roommate, watched Making Fiends, watched Clone High and it was just generally a fabulous time. Edi made me watch this movie called Repo! The Genetic Opera and it's become one of those soundtracks that I feel it absolutely necessary to listen to about 10000 times; it's kind of like Bare all over again! I LOVE this musical now, Repo is so out there and the music is nothing short of incredible. Just shows ya that part of me will forever be a little theatre child. Aww..... LAME. Over it! Moving on!

Er, I have to write a 5 page paper about a poem that is entirely based on SEX. I had NO clue as to what I was getting myself into until earlier today when my fellow English majors were discussing it. Apparently it touches on everything from testicles, penises, the actual act of having sex, ejaculation and a bunch of other stuff; I haven't even read the damn thing yet! Just my luck eh? At least I won't be bored when writing it... except I have to present on it as well. Oh boyyyyyy that means I'm going to have to completely lock up that part of me that can't help but giggle when something overly sexual is mentioned. Time to act like an adult Keribop!

Never a dull moment I must say... now I'm going to NOT do my homework (tomorrow is my day off so I'm procrastinating with reason) and either watch a movie (anyone ever heard of Happy Go-Lucky?) or mess around on Facebook and photoshop/Picnik some pictures!

One more thing that I have to mention is that the last week in February (which is now!) is NEDAwareness week. I can only hope that people take at least a MOMENT to just realize that eating disorders are NOT a laughing matter and NOT something that should be mocked disregarded as unimportant. I'm sorry to have to use this language in my writing but IT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL. I mean I'm not expecting people to start forking over their money to NEDA but at the very least to help anyone who they may think may be suffering from an eating disorder. ED makes people stubborn, withdrawn and in extreme denial (I would know) and those are the people who NEED HELP. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or even just that little piece of knowledge that serves as a reminder that there IS someone out there who DOES care and who WANTS to help. Change CAN happen.

This is the official website that contains an extremely helpful amount of information for those suffering or for those who know someone who may be suffering, ways to become involved in the organization and a place for donations to increase the research efforts towards helping more people than ever thought possible; I FINALLY became an official member of the organization about a week ago =)


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Dream a dream then dash another, life is there to interupt...

I made a to-do list that I have to take care of but decided to take a stop here first (I put "blogging" on the list so I'll be able to cross something off). My mind is kind of all over the place anyway and I'm seemingly being rendered unable to do my homework properly. I have this weird thing that I work much better very late at night. No clue why. It might be a pressure sort of thing; the time restraint forces me to concentrate really well on what needs to be done. So here I am, not doing my homework, once again. Awesome.

Then again today has definitely been an "off" day for me and I'm just trying to get through it. ED decided to cause some chaos in my brain and pick a fight with all the more positive way of thinking that I've been trying to acquire.

I had my first taste (no pun intended) of a REAL trigger and it wasn't fun. I'm going to be honest when I say that triggers have never really affected me too greatly; perhaps my mind just never paid close enough attention for anything to really hit me. Last night, however, was what I believe to be my first real encounter and it's still on my mind. We were watching the movie "The Craft" and to make a long story short one of the characters was a cutter... and they showed her in the act of cutting. It wasn't until this morning that this floodgate of emotions came over me. In my current mindset I legit MISS my old habits. I miss the comfort, I miss some of the feelings that I had and I miss feeling so safe with everything. Last year it was my deepest secret and because I was trying so hard to hide it I became heavily engrossed in other aspects of my life, particularly my schoolwork. My grades were AMAZING during the worst part of my eating disorder; I miss that power of having everything in control so greatly. I keep thinking about the past and it messes with my mind.

All I really want to do right now is break my count, have a cigarette and then a good long cry. I'm probably not going to do any of those things though mind you. I KNOW it's bad for me to want to smoke everytime I'm stressed out/upset and as for the crying, well, I really don't have anywhere to go where I can be by myself so yeah... can't really do too much about that. I want to be strong but the idea of just going back to all the old habits seems so much easier.

This is just so much harder than I thought it would be.

I had promised myself that I wouldn't be posting complete downer entries here. I think I doing this though in hopes of possibly obtaining some words of wisdom from someone (or anyone) out there who may happen to be reading this. A plea? I guess you could call it that. And if anything, I'm sure I'll get myself through it and be fine tomorrow.

And you know? I had a REALLY good week otherwise.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Oh hai.......

QUOTE OF MY LIFE (thanks to a memory of my roomie from high school)

"Stop talking about food...I'm getting aroused!"

My friends, my life is now complete. Ahem,'s been a VERY long time. I have once again failed the blogging world and all who inhabit it. I'm sorry bloggers, I suck sometimes.

I'm not even really sure where to begin; it has been at least 3 weeks I believe! I think I shall make a general list of the randomosity that has gone on in my life. I do love making my silly little random lists, along with pictures naturally (they add PIZAZZ to it!)


  1. I had a snow day at Rider ALREADY! The second day I got back my Wednesday was cancelled.... ALL.FIVE.CLASSSES. It was basically the most amazing thing ever.

  2. Upon realizing that I forgot my bowl back at home I had to go to Target to buy a new one!

  3. It was $2.99 and is shaped like a heart! Please forgive the awful picture quality and the soup-ness... I swear isn't normally a lot prettier!

  4. Because I am a complete dunce and decided to wear open-toed shoes I had to be carried across a lawn on my friend's brother's back when we all went to see an Indie Music Festival (?) last Saturday. I can't lie though, it was something of a confidence booster. I had never been carried before =)

  5. Valentines Day was surprisingly really fun because I spent it with my roomie shopping, eating cookie cake (that we MADE) and watching Hairspray! Best Valentines Day to date I think!

  6. I'm back on schedule with counseling and I honestly think that I'm slowly making more progress as time goes on. I had a lot to tell her last week concerning my new found hopes of getting better; I even blatantly used the term "eating disorder" and meant it. It was scary but like I said, I'm hopeful =)

  7. My count has been almost 2 weeks! Hooraaay!

  8. NEDAwareness week is next week and I'm making a shirt that's going to most likely say, "STARVING ISN'T SEXY" or something of the sort. I'm actually not sure now that I think about it; I really want a quote that will pack a HUGE punch and make people take notice. I think I may even end up putting flyers around campus trying to promote awareness as well. Hmm.

  9. Edi is coming to visit on Wednesday and I'M REALLY EXCITED TO SEE HIM!

  10. I've gotten three comments from random people telling me that I should make rainbow cupcakes again. They were a HUGE hit! There will definitely be a repeat performance of that.
  11. I've had homework OUT THE WAZOO. No lie, everyday I have something new to do for one of my classes. However, I would NEVER give up being an English major though! I heart it.
Those are the MAJOR things anyway (or at least the things I can think of off the top of my head!) It's nice to be all busy and such again though, I almost forgot what that was like! I'm off to finish a drawing for counseling tomorrow, it's like an art therapy session! Hopefully I shall return tomorrow... that is of course if I don't FORGET to blog again! <3

MAXWELL!!! He's my little wolf <3