Sunday, February 22, 2009

Dream a dream then dash another, life is there to interupt...

I made a to-do list that I have to take care of but decided to take a stop here first (I put "blogging" on the list so I'll be able to cross something off). My mind is kind of all over the place anyway and I'm seemingly being rendered unable to do my homework properly. I have this weird thing that I work much better very late at night. No clue why. It might be a pressure sort of thing; the time restraint forces me to concentrate really well on what needs to be done. So here I am, not doing my homework, once again. Awesome.

Then again today has definitely been an "off" day for me and I'm just trying to get through it. ED decided to cause some chaos in my brain and pick a fight with all the more positive way of thinking that I've been trying to acquire.

I had my first taste (no pun intended) of a REAL trigger and it wasn't fun. I'm going to be honest when I say that triggers have never really affected me too greatly; perhaps my mind just never paid close enough attention for anything to really hit me. Last night, however, was what I believe to be my first real encounter and it's still on my mind. We were watching the movie "The Craft" and to make a long story short one of the characters was a cutter... and they showed her in the act of cutting. It wasn't until this morning that this floodgate of emotions came over me. In my current mindset I legit MISS my old habits. I miss the comfort, I miss some of the feelings that I had and I miss feeling so safe with everything. Last year it was my deepest secret and because I was trying so hard to hide it I became heavily engrossed in other aspects of my life, particularly my schoolwork. My grades were AMAZING during the worst part of my eating disorder; I miss that power of having everything in control so greatly. I keep thinking about the past and it messes with my mind.

All I really want to do right now is break my count, have a cigarette and then a good long cry. I'm probably not going to do any of those things though mind you. I KNOW it's bad for me to want to smoke everytime I'm stressed out/upset and as for the crying, well, I really don't have anywhere to go where I can be by myself so yeah... can't really do too much about that. I want to be strong but the idea of just going back to all the old habits seems so much easier.

This is just so much harder than I thought it would be.

I had promised myself that I wouldn't be posting complete downer entries here. I think I doing this though in hopes of possibly obtaining some words of wisdom from someone (or anyone) out there who may happen to be reading this. A plea? I guess you could call it that. And if anything, I'm sure I'll get myself through it and be fine tomorrow.

And you know? I had a REALLY good week otherwise.