Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Trigger... self-loathing at it's finest.

And so the cycle continues. In my head I KNOW that I'm going through the cycle and yet the negatives are outweighing the positives and I'm just like, "fuck it". My classes today have made me feel extremely incompetent, not to mention I feel that I ate "poorly" yesterday, to put it in light terms anyway. When I got out of my class right now I put my Ipod on almost maximum volume and legit stomped back to Switlik. Today just seems to be a less-than-fabulous. I got a B+ on a paper I wrote and I know in my heart that I should be grateful but after reading the professor's notes I can't help but think less of myself. The story I wrote had to do with a bulimic and while apparently I'm extremely good at describing close details my ending was "typical". SHIT. I know better than to end a story with a damn cliche; that's like a beginner writer's mistake right there. My future is basically being based around my ability to write and after this I can't help but be filled with this serious amount of self doubt. It doesn't help either that I made myself look so idiotic in my French class by not being able to answer the professor when she asked me a question. Where the hell is my brain today???

Because of this anger/self-loathing I'm in serious urge mode. I can't even begin to say how bad it is; slamming doors and stomping my feet when I walk are just barely covering it. I'm not going to break my count (it's been more than 5 weeks now) but I still want to, pretty badly.

I'm really going to try not to revert back to my defense strategy of restricting. Punishing myself isn't going to help in the long run; I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

The good news of this all is that after today I'm basically done and ready for spring break. Every cloud has a silver lining? I guess I'll go with that.


Kat said...

everyone has bad days honey, and even goldie gave me a frickin b today, and johnston is fucking with my grades but you know what. im not gonna let their idiocy get in the way of my happiness.
they wanna be asses, they can. but im gonna keep smiling, and you should too
because you know why?
because youre super fucking fab, dont ever forget youre made out of rainbows and sexiness