Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not so happy...

I kind of suck at being consistent, I feel like this is becoming a disclaimer at the beginning of every blog post I make. Well actually, this post does need something of a disclaimer because it's a tad downer-ish and I don't think it's very triggering. It certainly doesn't hurt to forewarn people though.

Basically, I had a run-in with my ED thoughts last night and they managed to hit me pretty damn hard. My defenses were down and ONE LITTLE THING sent me over the edge. I don't even really want to say here what is was; thinking back to it I realize how incredibly ridiculous it was for me to act like that. This "thing" that happened was extremely insignificant and I swear I'm not hiding anything worth saying. Believe me. My emotions are just kind of all scattered around now. For one thing, I feel extremely bad that this happened in front of my friends. Now I'm the first one to say that keeping your emotions to yourself is unhealthy but last night I seriously should've just kept it to myself. I'm legit ashamed of how I acted and yes, recovery has it's ups and downs but I honestly hoped that my first re encounter with such thoughts would be when I was by myself so I could've handled it better.

I figured this was going to happen, talk about awful timing though and an awful feeling to go right along with it. So this happened and now I'm back home and am definitely not feeling like my normal bright and shiny self. The ED thoughts are still sitting in my brain and I just feel REALLY bad about the situation itself. I shouldn't be beating myself up about it but I kind of am.

And it kinddd of doesn't help that I still can't run because of my Achilles Tendon AND it's pouring out.

Ugh, I need a pick me up for sure.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Listen and PHOCUS! Get up and PHOCUS! Are these puns doing anything for you?

Work, work, work, work work. That seems to be the only thing I've been doing lately! Well OK, not the ONLY thing; there's been a bunch of other shenanigans that I would love to bloggy blog about for a little bit.

Can we just note first that I feel like a piece of poo right now from work? My right hand is all swollen/eczema ridden, my right hand thumb has a HUGE burn mark on it, my back hurts in at least five different places, my left eye is itchy and my left foot hurts... not to mention I ache! Hahahaha. Listen to me complain, I just can't be content with the fact that I'm working and actually making money! Noooo, I'm kidding. Of COURSE I'm happy about working... ahem, it just ruins my plans sometimes (particularly ones that involve broadway and the love of my life). I'm currently "Grrrrrr-ing" at work. When in a love/hate relationship, Keribop is currently in hate!

Moving on to what I wanted to blog more about is the PEER INSTITUTE! I attended from Tuesday to Thursday evening and all in all I really did enjoy myself. Besides Rider there were maybe 6 or 7 other colleges present and that definitely added to the "fun" factor of the experience. It was an extremely diverse group and everyone really seemed to get along every well with each other. I didn't know anyone (except for 1 person!) when I first arrived but by Thursday I had made a good number of new friends that I absolutely adore! The PHOCUS group from Rider contains a truly awesome group of people and I think we all meshed together easily.

Besides getting to know everyone, our days were completely jam packed! As trainee Peer Educators, we had lots of programs and events to attend in order to learn as much as possible. Such things included: Healthy relationships (in general), the scary effects of smoking, presenting and programming, how to cope with stress levels, what to do in all different types of situations, a "sex talk", a HILARIOUS comedian/motivational speaker named Matt Bellace and many more. The program that struck me the hardest was a talk given by a man who lost his son to a heroin overdose. They showed us a video of a reenactment of something dying of an overdose and the man actually left the room saying, "Everytime we show this video I have to leave the room. I've seen it only once and that was ten years ago." It was easily one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen in my life. He talked about how his son died the day before Mother's Day so his family doesn't celebrate it anymore and all their major holidays are surrounded by sadness. At one point he stopped speaking for about a minute because he was clearly getting choked up and simply said, "I miss him so much." That was it for me and the two girls I was sitting with; we were ALL water works. However, the message was well established, I would NEVER want to put my family through the pain that that man and his family went through and continues to go through. No one or family deserves to feel so much horrible pain by losing someone they love so dearly to something that is (forgive the cursing) so fucking stupid to do in the first place.
CRIPES, I'm seriously getting the chills as I type this.

Needless to say the Peer Institute had a good influence on me. Granted, there was no mention about eating disorders or really anything nutrition associated. That did bum me out a little but going there did a lot for me. I'm now officially a Baccus Gamma certified Peer Educator and I SUPER proud of myself! I'm hoping for positive things for the future as a result of becoming involved in PHOCUS and can't help but think that I've been empowered with more optimisms because of it. Kudos PHOCUS! <3

I need to rant now for a second though... because I've been all PHOCUS business and working I've been doing my running has been, er, neglected. I'm actually super ashamed to admit that it's been 5 days since I last ran. WTFFFFFF?!?!?!?! I know I can make time for it but I've just been so preoccupied with other nonsense that I haven't been able to. It makes me super super super super sad because my body totally realizes the lack of running. I don't even think I'll be able to go tomorrow because I have to be at work by 9 so, unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to wait until MONDAY to get a good run in. Qwaaaaaah, I hate not exercising!

Considering I have work at 9AM until probably 7PM, I'm going to head to sleep and then eat some oatmeal, work a bunch and maybe get paid! That would be nice. Nighty night =)