Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not so happy...

I kind of suck at being consistent, I feel like this is becoming a disclaimer at the beginning of every blog post I make. Well actually, this post does need something of a disclaimer because it's a tad downer-ish and I don't think it's very triggering. It certainly doesn't hurt to forewarn people though.

Basically, I had a run-in with my ED thoughts last night and they managed to hit me pretty damn hard. My defenses were down and ONE LITTLE THING sent me over the edge. I don't even really want to say here what is was; thinking back to it I realize how incredibly ridiculous it was for me to act like that. This "thing" that happened was extremely insignificant and I swear I'm not hiding anything worth saying. Believe me. My emotions are just kind of all scattered around now. For one thing, I feel extremely bad that this happened in front of my friends. Now I'm the first one to say that keeping your emotions to yourself is unhealthy but last night I seriously should've just kept it to myself. I'm legit ashamed of how I acted and yes, recovery has it's ups and downs but I honestly hoped that my first re encounter with such thoughts would be when I was by myself so I could've handled it better.

I figured this was going to happen, talk about awful timing though and an awful feeling to go right along with it. So this happened and now I'm back home and am definitely not feeling like my normal bright and shiny self. The ED thoughts are still sitting in my brain and I just feel REALLY bad about the situation itself. I shouldn't be beating myself up about it but I kind of am.

And it kinddd of doesn't help that I still can't run because of my Achilles Tendon AND it's pouring out.

Ugh, I need a pick me up for sure.