I'm pretty sure this happened last summer if I'm not mistaken...

It's a tad late and I'm a wee bit sleepy but I figure I should blog anyway to keep the writer inside me thriving!


Blatant honesty time. Recovery has been "meh". "Meh" is the best word I can think of at the moment because I think I've hit an extremely severe roadblock and am STILL trying to find a way past it. More honesty, for the most part, I've been a fairly unhappy child for a while now. There's just something about my lack of self control during the summer (letting my guard down I suppose) and then I look in a mirror... and you can probably guess what happens after that. They don't call it Body Dysmorphia for nothing. Sometimes it doesn't hit me, and that's always fabulous, but it has been, frequently. Sigh. I don't know what my plan of attack against this is going to be. My return to Rider is slowly creeping back up on me (WHERE DID THE SUMMER GO?!?!?) and I'm definitely caught on the fence. Looks like this girl has got a lot of thinking to do...




Spirit lifter anyone? Well, during dinner today I accidentally spit iced tea on my soon-to-be brother-in-law because he said, "Cannolis?" in what was probably the funniest voice I have ever heard in my entire life. Whoops! It brought a bunch of laughs, that's for sure. Sorry bro, sometimes I laugh... A LOT.



Aww. Sometimes I can't help but post pictures of things for no reason other than the fact that I find them absolutely beautiful.


Vagueness of an entry, I'm going to bed. Nighty nighty <3






I decided a layout change was in order. Tried to find the most rainbowlicious one I could and stumbled upon this gem.... I'm a picky little bugger so this one will do just fine for now =)

Thankssssssss.

UGHHHHHHH. It's been almost three weeks since I've worked and I have been calling and leaving messages and I STILL haven't heard from them. My impulse is to just show up there but in all honestly, I don't care anymore.

OK, that's a HUGE lie... I care, immensely. I mean come on, I've been working there since I was 13. And I know, I KNOW, that this is real life and stuff like this happens to hardworking employees all the time... it just SUCKS. Now that it's already almost August, it's unlikely that I'll be able to get a new job to only end up being there for less than a month.

FRICK.FRICK. DOUBLE DOUBLE DOUBLE FRICK.

I've been considering my moneymaking options and am slowly making my way over to "borderline desperate". This includes online freelance writing, selling everything I can on Ebay and maybe something involving my baking "talents" (?).

I'm not exactly ecstatic about having to resort to such things, in case this isn't evident, but I have to. My god, last year... I had A LOT of money going back to Rider; I worked ALL SUMMER. I'm discouraged to say the least.

Have to hope for the best though, right? Just have to keep telling myself that optimism does come through.

Don'ttttt stop, believinggggggg!

Hello hello! It's been a while (as per usual) but I've realized that probably not too many people are hanging on every word I say and anxiously await when I blog. Nope, nope. That's OK though, maybe someday.........

Pshhhhh.

Moving on, I have a name for you: The Rhythm Shop. YouTube them, Google them, do whatever you want with them (that's what she said??) just take a look at the awesome-ness they possess! Yesterday night, my sister and her fiance went to NYC to check out a band that they were going to have at their wedding. My mom and I were invited to tag along and put in our own thoughts of what we thought of them. We arrive at this rehearsal studio (a half hour early, naturally) and were greeted by the guy in charge of the entire band and free glasses of wine; my sister's fiance used to work for him so he basically knew everybody who worked there. Talk about having connections!

This is turning into a long story. Long story short? The band was FABULOUS and coming from me that is the highest compliment I can possibly give to something. Comprised of a 10 piece band and 5 singers, The Rhythm Shop did covers of virtually every genre of music you could think of. This included Prince, The Black Eyed Peas, Swing Music, Latin, Bon Jovi (JERSEY REPRESENT!), Journey and so much more. They were a charismatic bunch and kept going into the audience which, in my opinion, made the whole thing a lot more enjoyable. We were in the front row so at one point the one guy started singing directly to me (which my sister found HILARIOUS) and at another point a guy with bangos started running around and getting people to play them as well. Although we only got to see about an hour of songs but after sitting there for 20 minutes all I wanted to do was get up and start dancing to the music! That just shows yoy how much fun it turned out to be. My sister said they were definitely going to have that band at the wedding and, well, knowing my family.... it's going to be a grand ole' time, that's for sure!

I'm a fan of them, in case no one managed to get the impression! This isn't much of a post but I want to keep this blog entirely positive because, unfortunately, I've been rather anti-positive lately. So for now, good music is all ya need! =)

Do NOT steal my sunshine KTHNX!

Whoa, how did it become almost midnight already? I don't remember the time fleeing from me so quickly, you know, with all those thingssss I've been doing all day. Ahem, LIES.

Lalalalala......... OK, yep, I'm finally back in my homeland (AKA Jerseyyy) and now I'm the woman of complete nothing-ness. It's been very uneventful few days since I've been back to say the least. I guess I'll have to try to keep myself as occupied as possible. There is ALWAYS something in my house that needs to be done.... it's the palace of messy and I am it's princess!


Backtrack for a momento if you will for VACATION! We were blessed with extremely beautiful weather the entire 10 days while in the south and the temperature always stayed above 90! Debbie's wedding turned out very well and everything came together when it was time. The dress looked fabulous on her (as did everyone else in the wedding party) and despite the small amount of people (45 if that many) the reception was a lot of fun and laughs! Not a lot of dancing unfortunately (boo!) but it all flowed together very well. The food was about as southern as you could get which makes sense because it was Georgia and everything! Delicious to say the least, although my favorite thing there were these amazing rolls that were like Challah but they were somehow BETTER. I don't know how they did it, all I know is that I ate two of them and was kicking myself afterward for not throwing some of them inside my purse for later. Other than my lack of roll-age, it was a fabulous time and the newlyweds seem very happy together! Yaaaay and that's all that matters.


The bride and the groom =)


Oh, you want me to describe how Myrtle Beach was?

How's THAT for a description? I'm in LOVE with Myrtle Beach, so much. Considering I've been going there since I was about 6 or 7, the beach has become a part of my personality I think. I really didn't want to leave and must have stood on our balcony for at least 10 minutes right before we left so I could say "GOODBYE" to the ocean. Lame perhaps, but the comforting effect that beach has on people can be pinpointed as the culperate for such behavior on my part. Sighhhh, I miss it already.
Honestly, how could you NOT love this?


That was what I got to look at all week..... and now I'm back to G-field, home of champions. The Onion basically has no use for me at the moment, I'm carless (again) and I'm a general boring lady. Tomorrow I blame on cleaning out the back porch which is just piles upon piles of STUFF that needs to be sorted through. That'll keep my day nice and busy for certain... maybe I'll find some new treasures out there if I'm lucky. LOL. I guess I should head to sleep... two days ago I went to sleep at 2:30 and didn't wake up until 3 in the afternoon. Not.a.fan. I need my early mornings, they make the day nice and long! Nighty night <3








ZOMG I forgot to mention something significantly important that has happened.........




I CAN RUN AGAIN!!!!!!!

=)

Aquarius SHOULD be a water sign... it would make so much more sense!

HAPPY JULY! Oh wait, it's JULY. How many weeks has it been I posted? Yeah, I don't even want to consider it.


I figure that way too much has happened to worry about doing math! Currently I'm residing in MYRTLE BEACH, SOUTH CAROLINA!! It's beach, beach and more beach and I'm absolutely LOVING it here. The temperature has been above 90 degrees the entire week and there haven't been clouds, or rain, or anything! Granteddddd, I did get pretty severe sunburn on the legs but honey, you're going to need more than some sunburn to keep me away from the ocean! I think I'm something of beach bunny at heart and simply cannot resist the temptation to just JUMP in the water. I'm having a grand ole' time here let me tell you!


I shall extrapolate more upon this subject (and probably the entirety of the trip) later.... sorry blogworld, I'm heading off to the beach! <3

Not so happy...

I kind of suck at being consistent, I feel like this is becoming a disclaimer at the beginning of every blog post I make. Well actually, this post does need something of a disclaimer because it's a tad downer-ish and I don't think it's very triggering. It certainly doesn't hurt to forewarn people though.

Basically, I had a run-in with my ED thoughts last night and they managed to hit me pretty damn hard. My defenses were down and ONE LITTLE THING sent me over the edge. I don't even really want to say here what is was; thinking back to it I realize how incredibly ridiculous it was for me to act like that. This "thing" that happened was extremely insignificant and I swear I'm not hiding anything worth saying. Believe me. My emotions are just kind of all scattered around now. For one thing, I feel extremely bad that this happened in front of my friends. Now I'm the first one to say that keeping your emotions to yourself is unhealthy but last night I seriously should've just kept it to myself. I'm legit ashamed of how I acted and yes, recovery has it's ups and downs but I honestly hoped that my first re encounter with such thoughts would be when I was by myself so I could've handled it better.

I figured this was going to happen, talk about awful timing though and an awful feeling to go right along with it. So this happened and now I'm back home and am definitely not feeling like my normal bright and shiny self. The ED thoughts are still sitting in my brain and I just feel REALLY bad about the situation itself. I shouldn't be beating myself up about it but I kind of am.

And it kinddd of doesn't help that I still can't run because of my Achilles Tendon AND it's pouring out.

Ugh, I need a pick me up for sure.

Listen and PHOCUS! Get up and PHOCUS! Are these puns doing anything for you?

Work, work, work, work work. That seems to be the only thing I've been doing lately! Well OK, not the ONLY thing; there's been a bunch of other shenanigans that I would love to bloggy blog about for a little bit.


Can we just note first that I feel like a piece of poo right now from work? My right hand is all swollen/eczema ridden, my right hand thumb has a HUGE burn mark on it, my back hurts in at least five different places, my left eye is itchy and my left foot hurts... not to mention I ache! Hahahaha. Listen to me complain, I just can't be content with the fact that I'm working and actually making money! Noooo, I'm kidding. Of COURSE I'm happy about working... ahem, it just ruins my plans sometimes (particularly ones that involve broadway and the love of my life). I'm currently "Grrrrrr-ing" at work. When in a love/hate relationship, Keribop is currently in hate!


Moving on to what I wanted to blog more about is the PEER INSTITUTE! I attended from Tuesday to Thursday evening and all in all I really did enjoy myself. Besides Rider there were maybe 6 or 7 other colleges present and that definitely added to the "fun" factor of the experience. It was an extremely diverse group and everyone really seemed to get along every well with each other. I didn't know anyone (except for 1 person!) when I first arrived but by Thursday I had made a good number of new friends that I absolutely adore! The PHOCUS group from Rider contains a truly awesome group of people and I think we all meshed together easily.


Besides getting to know everyone, our days were completely jam packed! As trainee Peer Educators, we had lots of programs and events to attend in order to learn as much as possible. Such things included: Healthy relationships (in general), the scary effects of smoking, presenting and programming, how to cope with stress levels, what to do in all different types of situations, a "sex talk", a HILARIOUS comedian/motivational speaker named Matt Bellace and many more. The program that struck me the hardest was a talk given by a man who lost his son to a heroin overdose. They showed us a video of a reenactment of something dying of an overdose and the man actually left the room saying, "Everytime we show this video I have to leave the room. I've seen it only once and that was ten years ago." It was easily one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen in my life. He talked about how his son died the day before Mother's Day so his family doesn't celebrate it anymore and all their major holidays are surrounded by sadness. At one point he stopped speaking for about a minute because he was clearly getting choked up and simply said, "I miss him so much." That was it for me and the two girls I was sitting with; we were ALL water works. However, the message was well established, I would NEVER want to put my family through the pain that that man and his family went through and continues to go through. No one or family deserves to feel so much horrible pain by losing someone they love so dearly to something that is (forgive the cursing) so fucking stupid to do in the first place.
CRIPES, I'm seriously getting the chills as I type this.


Needless to say the Peer Institute had a good influence on me. Granted, there was no mention about eating disorders or really anything nutrition associated. That did bum me out a little but going there did a lot for me. I'm now officially a Baccus Gamma certified Peer Educator and I SUPER proud of myself! I'm hoping for positive things for the future as a result of becoming involved in PHOCUS and can't help but think that I've been empowered with more optimisms because of it. Kudos PHOCUS! <3


I need to rant now for a second though... because I've been all PHOCUS business and working I've been doing my running has been, er, neglected. I'm actually super ashamed to admit that it's been 5 days since I last ran. WTFFFFFF?!?!?!?! I know I can make time for it but I've just been so preoccupied with other nonsense that I haven't been able to. It makes me super super super super sad because my body totally realizes the lack of running. I don't even think I'll be able to go tomorrow because I have to be at work by 9 so, unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to wait until MONDAY to get a good run in. Qwaaaaaah, I hate not exercising!


Considering I have work at 9AM until probably 7PM, I'm going to head to sleep and then eat some oatmeal, work a bunch and maybe get paid! That would be nice. Nighty night =)