Oh dear... kind of forgot about my blog there for a moment!

Whoa. I had promised myself that I wouldn't break away from my good blogging habits and I have! Oh noooooooz!




Derr. So, where do I begin exactly? For starters, tomorrow will be officially 2 MONTHS! I almost can't believe it but I'm damn proud of myself for getting this far and doing as well as I have. This is a very KUDOOSSSSS ME kind of moment and I'm going to make sure I have some sort of mini-Keri celebration... because I'm awesome like that.




Counseling has been going really well otherwise although I think for the summer I may be looking into going to a specialist. I'm coming to realize that although I've made so much progress on my own I'm still giving into my old habits wayyy too easily. I know that recovery takes a lot of time but I think the ED tendencies and ways of thinking are embedded much deeper into my nature than I thought. Like yesterday, for instance, I fasted until like 5 because I slept through my alarm and didn't get up at the time I wanted I had planned. Later that night I made sense as to why I did that (or "found the deeper meaning" as Leah would call it). The fact that I had lost control over my plans and my schedule had become completely messed up I immediately went to something that I KNEW I had control over. Essentially it was a form of self punishment. Because of this, I'm pretty sure I still have a lot of inner issues that I have to get straightened out still. One thing at a time though... counseling really is helping me so for now I'm just going to keep working at it!




This post was short... I'm awareee! But I have to go meet the ladies at Dalys! Edit-ness will happen when I get back. I swear!

Chobaniiiiiiiiiiii review but I STILL can't properly name drop!

It's actually still pretty early but I feel the need to let everyone know how my Chobani experience was, especially considering Michelle over at http://luckytastebuds.wordpress.com/ (GAH why can't I figure out how to link things properly??) just recently posted about her own Chobani tasting!

It was a nice change to have something cold compared to my usual elaborate oats. I didn't realized it but there's A LOT of yogurt in that container; it seemed never-ending! I ended up throwing that in a bowl with 1/4 of a boonana from yesterday, a bunch of strawberries (that I paid $2.50 for yesterday... grumble grumble) , and 2 tbsp wheat germ that I finally remembered to buy!

Overall, it gets a thumbs up from meee! I was trying to explain to my mom the taste difference but just couldn't. The Chobani has a much thicker texture than normal style yogurt which I think adds to the "fullness" factor. After eating that I definitely felt full and content, in a good way mind you. That was around 8:30 and it's almost noon and it's holding me over quite well! I never thought I would actually be saying this but it was definitely worth the 120 calories! I think I'm definitely acquiring a love for greek yogurt, although in retrospect I'll still continue to buy my Light & Fits, as well as my Yoplaits because I'm a poor college child. I most certainly buy it again... orrrrr I'll continue to check the blogs and test out the others first!

Oh hai... can we check this off as a.....

REVELATIONNNNNNN?!?

I think that's certainly an appropriate word! Small steps right? It's progress I think. A tad bittersweet considering I went, sigh, bathing suit shopping with the mom and I think that speaks for itself. Trying to not let it bother me that much, probably because I'm preoccupying myself with other things so I don't have time to think about it. Being positive, thinking positive and ED will eventually fall back asleep for a while. Gooodddddnighttttttt.

I'm getting more of my hair chopped off today to follow my new hair color (which ended up becoming a job for THREE boxes of hair dye) so I need to roam around the internet and hopefully find something I like! Until later <3

ATM....debit....credit.... aren't they all the same? Shinyyyy plastic.

First and foremost, HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

I hope everyone went forth and drank some green beer, ate some green bagels and just embraced their inner Irish (despite whether you have inner Irish or not!) I wanted to go to the parade in NYC but alas, no prevail. Instead, as I had predicted, I basically lalala-ed around the house accomplishing not too much. Er, can't seem to find the remote for my TV in the basement... where the eff could it have gone?!? Haha, I always manage to lose things and have no clue where they managed to run away to. Maybe I accidentally ate it in my sleep. Oooops.

Moving on from my possible consumption of an electronic device, tomorrow should prove to be more interesting. Because my dear Penelope/El Buddy Honda is still in the shop I've been basically useless when attempting to accomplish things that are beyond the radius of my house. Howeverrrr, Chubby said he would drive my mom to work tomorrow and leave the Dingo in my possession for the day. I told them I didn't really need to go anywhere specifically but I mean if the car is just sitting here......................just sitting there it shall not do! I'm thinking a nice solo shopping day may be in order. This meaning I'll probably hit up the supermarket/Trader Joes, Wachovia, Walgreens, the mall, maybe Target and the NEW Whole Foods if it's open (which would make my LIFE!) I probably should make a list though, if not there will surely be some overspending on my part! Especially considering that I plan on buying a bathing suit, makeup and a nutrition book all off the internet sometime this week. Need to keep my moneys in check!

Was there a PUN in there somewhere?

Grapes.

This will be in preparation for our trip to NYC tomorrow night. It may just be my mom and I but we're supposed to go in and have dinner at Beth's new restaurant! The fact that it's up and running is super exciting and HELLO, any New York City trip is enough for me! Gives me a reason to get dressed up (sort of) and feel all NYC chic-ish... and spend time with my mommmyyyyy of course! I do wish I hadn't "broken" my camera though, I would LOVE to take some lovely pictures of the new restaurant for prosperity purposes! Ooooooooh well.

Let me indulge y'all in my foodie choices of recently... I've been trying, really I have. I'm not getting into details but I've kind of fallen back into some particularly bad habits endorsed by ED. The whole mindset of remembering that calories = NOT BAD is still very hard to get used to. No details though, save the nasty stuff for zee pen and paper.

Brighter news though (BESIDES the fact that my count is at 6 weeks now!!!!), I bought a container of vanilla Chobani and am VERY excited to see how it tastes. I figured it was about time considering the fact that I see them all over the food blogs; it's time for me to lose my Chobani virginity! Not sure what I'm going to eat with it though, I have no granola and nothing that seems too add worthy. Guess I'll have to mess around in the kitchen until I find something. Shouldn't be a problem considering my niece said she was going to wake me up at 6:30 AM. BAH, it's almost 11:30 PM! I mean granted I love making breakfast for her (I may attempt pancakes of some sort) but still, booooooooo child, I love my sleeeeeeep!

"I would still very much like a green bagel by the by!"

Says the little Irish lass making the dumb face =)

I would totally go again!

All eyes on me in the center of the ring

just like a circus

when I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip

just like a circus

don't stand there watching me

follow me, show me what you can do

everybody let go, we can make a dance floor

just like a circus

Ah Britney, you never fail to be able to completely sum up my life. OK perhaps not exactly but yes, I DID in fact go to the circus today and I blatantly admit...

I LOVED IT! It was so much more than what I was expecting. After more than seven years usually you kind of forget what the whole experience is like. Let me tell you, it was nothing like I remembered from my childhood; on the contrary, it was better! It seemed that while it was definitely still directed mainly at a kids audience at the same time it had that "wow" factor that made it appealing to all ages in general. Some changes I happened to notice:

• 
  
  A live band that providing awesome music during the entire performance


• 
  
  More focus on the acrobatics


• 
  
  Less stereotypical clowns, I swear that they weren't scary at all!


• 
  
  A dance number! A couple of them actually!


• 
  
  The elaborate effects for sure. The lighting was phenomenal, as were the use of props and the close mechanics that went into accomplishing such things. Haha, the kind of stuff you don't tend to realize as a kid!


• 
  
  And the best change?? THIS GUY WAS THE RINGMASTER.
  

His name is Alex, he was extravagant, extremely talented (AND HOT) and his pants were form fitting. I think that's enough in itself. People don't really know this about me but I have a HUGE thing for magicians. Seriously, even as a little girl I was completely fascinated by them (and maybe they were even what started my interest in boys perhaps?) All in all, the circus far surpassed my expectations and just reminded me that every child (or adult) should get to go to a real circus and experience it's amazingness!

Grapes, listen to me acting like a huge promoter for Ringling Brothers. They should hire me I think! Ohhhhhhh, speaking of hiring, now I can type a tiny summary about PHOCUS and my hopes for the future. Ahem, OK so first of PHOCUS stands for

Peer Health On Campus Unites Students

Catchy I know! Anywayyys, PHOCUS basically sets out to inform/educate students on campus (and anywhere in general for that matter) about health issues associated with college; instances of this include alcohol responsibility, nutrition/wellness, smoking risks, etc. etc. etc. This also includes moving in a week early to help out with the incoming freshmen. As a member of PHOCUS, you offer your ear/help to the freshmen if they need it, perform skits demonstrating different situations and I think discussion groups are included as well.

To be a part of PHOCUS, in my opinion, is to become an advocate to a healthy life; this is basically the biggest reason of all that I want so badly to become involved. God only knows that I've had experience enough in the ways of NOT living a healthy live and I feel like being part of this would help me immensely on the road to overcoming ED and the other negative minions. I know that my opinions would be valued if I make it through the interviews (yes, there are interviews). This would be embracing a new found value that I hold so dearly to my heart and I wish nothing more than to help others to be healthy as well. And yes, it does help that you also get paid for it and get to attend a retreat during the summer in which you become Baccus Gamma Peer Certified! I don't want to sound crazily dramatic/jinx myself by saying this but part of me feels like PHOCUS is meant to be. I just hope they think the same thing. Fingers crossed everyone!

That wasn't exactly a small summary of what I wanted to say; it was more like an extremely detailed explanation of PHOCUS and everything it's about. At least it was well presented!

My car is in the shop still so I think I might end up just kind of LOL-ing around the house tomorrow until I figure out something to do. Bleh, there is always homework of course. Yeahhh I don't think I'm going to think about that right now but instead will head back over to EyesLipsFace.com and add more adorably cheap cosmetic things to my cart to buy! Nighty night everyone, sleep tight <3>

Je suis tres fatigue! Accent marks... where are yoooou?

I am officially HOME! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sorry, just had to get that out of the way first off. Today has been extremely busy but in the best possible way of course! (Can we just note that I've already used THREE exclamation points in this entry thus far?)

After a hallwayblockpaintingextravaganza and some Queer as Folk with Roomie last night I was up bright and early, if you consider 7:20 early that is! J'ai le petit dejeuner avec mon ami et je etude la Francais! Forgive my awful attempt at using the French language in an intelligent way but that was what I was doing aaaaaallllllll morning because my prof decided to give us a test on the day we leave for spring break. Not cool booboo. I think I did alright though so it's chill. My morning oats were better than awesome today because Dalys FINALLY BROUGHT BACK THE UNLIMITED PEANUT BUTTER! I was so excited and had a nice tablespoon along with my maple oats, granola and cranberries.

Note to self: Do not catch up on reading the food blogs when you are clearly hungry and it is clearly too late to be eating! LOLLLLL.

After 12:30 it was a blur, a good blur? Last lunch with the ladies and packing/Queer as Folk-ing with Roomie once again! Well actually it was more so me packing and her sitting in her egg chair yelling about how much she loves Brian. Haha, it was pretty awesome. I ended up peacing out from my Rider home around 3:15 (courtesy of Big Uggy) and we made it back to G-field in an hour! I gossiped with my mom for quite the qwhile, ate some mushroom soup and Maxwell FREAKED out when I first walked inside and I was like, "fasefhasudfhuafasfsafhsdalf" because I missed him that much. Yeah I know, I'm a woman of many languages. It's OK, you can be jealous. Justtttt kidding! I've been hanging around in my basement and didn't realize just how much I missed living down here; aww, my little makeshift apartment-like area.

I'm ULTRA tired right now though... I know, it's only 11! Maybe today has just been so long awaited that I've been worn out. Or not and I'm just lazy. Hmm. Either way I'll probably be passing out quite soon and am slowlyyy losing my focus on blogging. I really wanted to talk about the PHOCUS meeting I went to but I think that will have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe it was the orange tea I just drank but my brain is like BYEEEEEEE TIME FOR SLEEEEPPP. I shall follow my brain and go to sleep (IN MY REAL BED!) Nighty nighttt.

I just got REALLY excited because I get to make my original home style oats in my kitchen! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Trigger... self-loathing at it's finest.

And so the cycle continues. In my head I KNOW that I'm going through the cycle and yet the negatives are outweighing the positives and I'm just like, "fuck it". My classes today have made me feel extremely incompetent, not to mention I feel that I ate "poorly" yesterday, to put it in light terms anyway. When I got out of my class right now I put my Ipod on almost maximum volume and legit stomped back to Switlik. Today just seems to be a less-than-fabulous. I got a B+ on a paper I wrote and I know in my heart that I should be grateful but after reading the professor's notes I can't help but think less of myself. The story I wrote had to do with a bulimic and while apparently I'm extremely good at describing close details my ending was "typical". SHIT. I know better than to end a story with a damn cliche; that's like a beginner writer's mistake right there. My future is basically being based around my ability to write and after this I can't help but be filled with this serious amount of self doubt. It doesn't help either that I made myself look so idiotic in my French class by not being able to answer the professor when she asked me a question. Where the hell is my brain today???

Because of this anger/self-loathing I'm in serious urge mode. I can't even begin to say how bad it is; slamming doors and stomping my feet when I walk are just barely covering it. I'm not going to break my count (it's been more than 5 weeks now) but I still want to, pretty badly.

I'm really going to try not to revert back to my defense strategy of restricting. Punishing myself isn't going to help in the long run; I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

The good news of this all is that after today I'm basically done and ready for spring break. Every cloud has a silver lining? I guess I'll go with that.

I'm a proud fruit lover!

Today has certainly been one of those days when you feel like you've done a lot but have actually done absolutely NADA. Fabulous day mind you, just not as active as I thought.

Accepted students day was today so Dalys was unofficially THE place to be; I don't think I've ever seen the place so crowded before. Dalys decided to have lots of delicious things, although perhaps not the most healthy but essentially they were just trying to impress all the potential new Rider kids. They did have a FRUIT BAR, however, and that's a big enough deal in itself. Usually Rider has the normal assorted fruit, apples, bananas, oranges and pears. This isn't that big of a deal except that I'm a huge berry kind of girl, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, etc. etc. etc., not to mention that PINEAPPLE is my favorite fruit (although that's not a berry!) So it was very nice to have the addition of grapes, strawberries and pineapple for a change!

Heavenlyyyy.

I honestly think that fruit may have been the most exciting part of the day, haha. The ladies and I decided to take a trip on the (ever unreliable) Rider Shuttle to the mall. The schedule that listed the times was incorrect so instead of going at 2:20 we had to wait until 4; like I said, unreliable. It was quite alright though, seeing as college students are the masters of wasting time! We ended up sitting in the SRC for quite a bit enjoying Starbucks talking of majors, creepy boys and tattoes and then played Mario Kart on the Wii for a bit as well. It was lovely to just chill out even though when the shuttle did come around we only had about an hour and a half to shop. I managed to buy a white tunic/dress for $10 because I'm a tool and can't hold my money to myself sometimes. Yaaaaaay for purchases!

I'm in a rave kind of mood right now and would like to be subjected to mass amounts of dancing in the near future. What does a girl have to do to get some good techno music??? It's at the point of me sitting here just kind of Googling rave associated things because I'm that much in longing. Le sighhhhhh. I just want to dance. And random but can we PLEASE just note what my sister did to our dog?????

D'awwwwwww. He looks SO CUTE. When she sent this to me I'm pretty sure I started squealing because of how cute it is. Maxwell would tots want to dance with me; look how snazzy he looks in those heart shaped sunglasses! Good thing I'm going home in less than a week, I can keep track of his partying shenanigans! Heeeheee.

I like the... air.

Dr. Horrible's "Laundry Day" is a very appropriate song at the moment because, alas, it IS laundry day! Except I'm not really mumbling!

I'm convinced, however, that doing laundry in a co-ed dorm is basically like engaging yourself in COMBAT. I woke up nice and early (9:15?) and managed to get a washing machine before everyone else decided storm the laundry room. I go back down to transition it to a dryer and, surprising no one, there were no dryers! Went back upstairs, came back down after only 15 minutes and suddenly there were 4 dryers open! Baaaaah, where'd they all come from?!?!? Not that I mind or anything, my clothes are now on their way to happy dryness! Hoorayyyy.

Yesterday was nice and busy but I still managed to get hit by ED anyway. I've been trying so hard and seem to be having a lot of bumps in the road that I'm just barely getting past. The negative thoughts are winning and it's just frustrating. Grapes. I'm not really in the mood to blog about it right now actually so moving on...

Website placementtttt!

http://www.lomara.org/sbp/

This takes you to the wonder that is SHOEBOX! As a self proclaimed Harry Potter fanatic this is a must read for every fan out there. It tells the story of the Mauraders (along with Snape, Lily and the crew) and it's probably one of the funniest things I ever read in my life. Although J.K. Rowling never went too indepth concerning the Mauraders, Shoebox basically does it for her. Their personalities are SPOT ON and I assure you that once you start reading you won't want to stop; the only reason I had to last night was because I fell asleep on my laptop. Trust me, you will not be sorry!

Yaaay my coffee is done! Now if only my laundry would get that idea.........

Always manages to make me feel better!

Bonjour bloggers and bloggies! Yesterday was yet another snow day, surprising eh? Not really, although Rider did have me going for while when they decided to wait until 5 in the morning to give the long-awaited call of wonder! Now as a whole my snow day was, er, less than the best of days. Needless to say ED decided to make it's presence known and I felt very emotionally tired when I tried to fight back. Essentially instead of dealing with those negative feelings as they came up I kind of let them overtake my brain and push me a bit back in progress.

Howeverrrrrr, counseling this morning managed to bring my views back into a positive perspective! After spilling all my feelings to Leah she told me that because, contrary to my own belief, I did in fact deal with my problems more head on than I thought. Instead of breaking count I went and wrote everything I possibly could about how completely worthless I felt; it IS progress. I told her about my fears that I'm still clinging so heavily onto ED and my old habits, the restricting, the calculating, the distractions, the lies, the feelings, the power, etc. Leah reassured me several times (despite the fact that I think I may have been talking myself in circles) that even these small things of noticing the habits is accomplishing something. She's so insightful and I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have her, constantly giving me new techniques to try for when I next encounter a "threatening" situation. Leah ended today with a quote that really stuck with me and I have a feeling it's going to stick with me for a LONG time.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

-Gandhi

It's not about wishing for change to happen, you have to go out and DO it. I can be told all these pieces of advice (Kat and I had a HUGE conversation about this just before) and I can have people yell at me about how I need to be healthy and how but that's all they can do. It's up to ME to build up the courage to want to get better. It's that simple; things will begin to fall into place.

To be totally random, Glenny's Soy Crisps are flippin' awesommmmeeeeee! I just had a bag and I think whenever the word "protein" appears somewhere part of my freaks out a bit. Upon discovering last semester that I was borderline to becoming anemic I became a protein advocate! Now it's like, PROTEINNNN is the best thing ever. Damn straight, healthy = happy. Yes yes, just keep repeating that over and over and over again!

Pretty is it not? This gigantic (and slightly deadly) sized icicle is just kind of chillin' outside of my window looking quite pretty and reflecting the sunlight. Naturally it was picture worthy! The beauty of life manages to make itself known to me =) Heehee thanks nature!