Keribop IS ZUMBA.

I'm back at Rider! And I do confirm the fact that I have been neglecting my blogging. I actually said to my roommate earlier today that she needs to remind me to blog. Nicely enough she DID remember and here I am!

What can I say about being back? It's amazing. I'm pretty sure I've stated it before but Rider is the best decision I've ever made in my LIFE. The atmosphere is like nothing even remotely close to Garfield and (although Garfield will always have a special place in my heart) nothing can beat my college home. My friends, my dorm (Switlik 3rd floor C-wing = LOVE), and just the campus itself never fails to make me completely elated. I'm aware that I sound like a toolbag raving about how much I love it here when I know for a fact that many people are not Rider's biggest fans but that's OK. Rider makes me happy, ultra happy. KTHNX.

So the SRC has classes and I've usually only looked at them but never actually went to one. Today, however, my life has been changed! Today a bunch of my girlies and myself ventured to a ZUMBA class. Let me tell you right now, it was the AWESOME. The instructor was this crazy woman who kept making us yell at random times throughout the workout like we were at some wild party or something. The class itself is kind of a trick because you're doing all these dance moves so you don't even know you're working out! After the hour was over we were all sweating buckets and kept shouting, "ZUMBA!" I can see why the classes are so popular! The only thing that sucks is that the class is only offered ONCE a week on Tuesday nights but we'll make due with what we have!

Birthday Keribop! Hooraaaay!

I found the button! HAHAHAHAHA, it was seriously one click away. It's been hiding here the entire time. Oh silly silly silly. Ah, that's better!

I've been writing this all over the place so naturally I have to post it here as well!

Happy birthday to me, it's my birthday YIPPY! I like to eat cookies, happy birthday to me!

I got that song from an original episode of Making Fiends (one of my favorite things EVER) and I feel that describes how I feel! And now the font has changed? Whoops! But yes, today is indeed my birthday and I've been running around telling everyone about it. Like I said before though, it's not really that big of a deal; I think I just want to feel REALLLYYYY special. I'm officially 20 years old, no longer am I considered to be a teenager! Adulthood, Keribop is thy name (or almost anyway!)

In other news? THE CUPCAKES CAME OUT AMAZING! I took pictures like there was no tomorrow and would like to share a few!

Before =)

After! =) Now I know they don't look like much but take a bite and........

TADAAAA!!! ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?!?!?!

I'm so proud of myself and actually quite surprised with how lovely they turned out! I managed to get 17 cupcakes but that's a lot more than I had anticipated! I was expecting a huge screw up and ugly brown cupcakes to be my fate. HOWEVER, because it took me an hour and a half to do they came out pretty spot on to the picture! I'm only leaving 3 here but I want to share them with the Rider kids because I love them <3

Hmm, the font changed again! What is this rumpus?!?!

Today is the day.... of CUPCAKES!

I'm not even going to mention that the button is gone. I've stopped caring! Button I don't neeeeddd youuuuu!


Again with the unnecessary dramatics. Grapes! ANYWAAAAYYY I finally figured out how to follow other blogs; it's certainly taken me long enough. Now I don't have to go all over the interwebz and back just to check read any updates. I can just come to Blogspot and 1, 2, 3, zip zap, TADA! Foodie-blog awesomeness =)


I'm procrastinating on packing for Rider. Leaving in 2 days and the only thing I have "packed" is all the bars I bought are sitting in a bag. Oops. I WILL pack though I swear, I'll be needing to kill off some of my pre-birthday energy!

Agenda, hmm let's see:

-Cash check at Wachovia
-Go with the mom to Trader Joes (YAY!!)
-To the mall perhaps? Probably not, there really isn't anything I need. I think it would be more of a, "GOODBYE PLAZAAAAAA! I'LL MISS YOU, BEST MALL EVER!"
-Make homemade trailmix!
-Make RAINBOW CUPCAKES
-Pack.... boo.

That's breaking the list down into the most simple form possible. I cannot even begin to say HOW EXCITED I AM TO MAKE THE CUPCAKES!!! I'm bouncing off the walls with excitement. I can only hope though that I don't screw up and ruin the rainbow. Oh my gah I JUST realized that I will tots be able to tell people to "taste the rainbow" when they eat the cupcake. Awww, my cupcakes will have their own tagline. I will definitely be posting pictures of the outcome and such.



Now if only I had a proper camera my life would be SO much easier!

OBAMA OBAMA and the awaiting of 123!

And the buttons are gone YET again. I think I've given up hope on them ever returning. Buttonssssss, why have you left me in my time of need?!?!!?


WHOA, unnecessary dramatics right there. I do tend to forget that I am still technically considered a "theater kid". Ugh, that's a topic I REALLY don't feel like getting my mind wrapped around right now. Moving on then!


Inauguration was today! Spleee! The dog's barking managed to wake me up right on time to make a lovely bowl of oats and watch almost all of the inauguration with my dad. My dad was going nuts the entire time and was like, "Boooo Bush! Boooo Bush! Fall of the platform!!" It's clear to see that my dad's happy about our new president. I will admit that I'm not the most avid when it comes to following politics but I WILL say that it's comforting to know that our country finally has a chance to be rebuilt back to it's full potential. I must also say that Obama's speech legit gave me chills; hearing that man speak was truly amazing, even for me! America's in good hands I think AND I made up a fun song because leave it to me to completely ruin the serious-ness. It's basically repeating "OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA OBAMAAAAAAA!" OK it's not really a song but I've been singing that whenever I see his face on TV or in the paper. YAY OBAMA!

Other than that I have no done a damn thing today. Ugh, that makes me feel like a big ole' blob. Another reason why I can't wait to go back to Rider, constant movement and things to do! However, the one thing I CANNOT wait for (besides my return home that is) is my BIRTHDAY! YAYAYAYAYAYAY. Well, in retrospect my birthday isn't that big of a deal really; I just like be excited about =) In honor of my birthday we're all going out to dinner tomorrow so that will be a nice occasion I think! It's some place called the Crow's Nest. Hmm, never heard of it but my parents said they went to a repast there and they liked it. Um, REPAST? Qwaaahhhh that's not exactly the key association I wanted but it's better than leaving the decision up to me (Hullo Queen of Indecisiveness!)

It's only 11:14 and I'm already tired? Meh, I want to PARTYYYYYYY!





Would it be weird if I made cupcakes for my OWN birthday? I don't really think so, I mean look at it! RAINBOWWWWWW <3

"We're 20... and 20" O_O

Ah New York City, how I long to always be with you! Every time I visit that city it just makes me long for that kind of lifestyle.


(sigh)


The visit was definitely thumbs up worthy though! I LOVE how easy it is to get there (and fairly cheap as well!) It took me less than a half hour to get to Port Authority for $3.40! One thing that was super annoying, and really random, was that I couldn't enjoy the bus ride in because I had to pee like no one's business! Never a fun thing but I'm lucky that that was really the only flaw of the night. I met up with Sam (after peeing mind you) and we made our way to the Jekyll and Hyde restaurant. Initially that was where we intended on eating but upon talking to one of the employees standing by the door we dropped that idea very quickly. Apparently the place is known for its "scary entertainment" which means that people are constantly jumping out and scaring you at any given moment. There was NO WAY I was eating there; I'm afraid of balloons for God sakes.

Luckily for us the employee turned out to be a very helpful kind of guy! He directed us to a place across the street called Rue 57, saying it was one of the best in NYC and wouldn't card us. HAHA. In my opinion I think he was right! We had an amazing waiter who quickly became one of our favorite people ever AND while the food was a tad expensive, it was great! Sam gave us our presents..... she bought Pineapple Express on DVD and, ready for this? A SNUGGIE!! We LOL'd about that for a good while. Allie spilled the beans to the waiter that it was our 20th birthdays and when Sam asked later if he would serve us alcohol he said that if he hadn't knownn our ages he totally would have. Nice.going.Allie. For the record though we didn't need anything in our systems, everything we said in that restaurant turned into a joke; Priesty, the creepy waiter, "MY SIZE BURGER!", Labelle's real voice... just to name a few things anyway. After we ate and complete nuisances of ourselves in the restaurant (we were easily the most obnoxious ones there..... can't take us to fancy places!) we hit the streets to find a comedy club.

Without much looking we found a crazy bro who REALLY liked to talk (and ask about our boyfriends... LOL) but offered us 3 tickets to a comedy club for $21 ("How does this look to you??". Crazy man also made it a point to mention that we could "drink like fishes"... seriously, do we look like boozebags or something?!?! But to summarize, the comedy itself was not too funny except for the hot/short guy and the fact that 3 out of the 6 comedians regarded Allie during their acts. Turns out the place didn't card us and there was a 2 drink minimum so yes, we did have some drinks. I had a Fuzzy Martini (orange vodka and peach schnapps) and then a Long Island Beach (essentially the same thing as a Long Island Iced Tea but with cranberry juice and 7-UP). We were very adult-like when it came to ordering and the drinks were super good! The taste of tequila was quite obvious in our LIBs so Allie and I enjoyed that being the tequila enthusiasts that we are. Not too much aftershow tipsy-ness and even if there was (OK, maybe just a tad!) we walked around the city for another hour after the show was over so it all worked our. It was a fabulous time even though we had to end our night a little early... however, when in doubt there's always the Hamilton train station that conveniently takes you to, where else? New York City. These are my favorite pictures of the night =)




I was expressing the love I had for my new Snuggie!



NYC chic with our new favorite person ever, Labelle! No clue if that was his real name but that's what the bill said!



Our damaged done at the comedy club... obviously we liked what we had. Best way to end our night if you ask me!

They love me!

The button is missing again!! Where the heck did it go I do wonder...guess I wasn't meant to be a symmetrical kind of being. Meh.


Anywaaaaayyyy, WORK! I've noticed that I do this really lame thing where I will dread having to go to work for the sole purpose that I'm extraordinarily lazy but then once I get there I'm like, "Oh yeah! Green Onion! Woot woot!"

........................


OK maybe not those words exactly but it's that's how I was feeling anyway. I worked from 4 to 12:30 like a good girl and had a great time as per usual! I don't know what it is about me but I never get bored of that place. You know what it was? I was BUSY! Like last time, I was constantly moving. Granted I did dishes most of the time but my energy was surprisingly thru the roof! Not sure why, I did take one of those B-12 packets and maybe worked? Either way, I rocked those dishes! Even the one chef was like, "You're a dish washing expert" and I was like, "Should I consider that a good thing??" Hahahaha. No, of course it's a compliment; I AM a dish washing expert! Wheeeeeeee. Oh AND one of the waitresses stole a party favor for me!



Ahem, needless to say I was a fan. The party was a Mardi Grad themed sweet sixteen so naturally there was a ton of elaborate decorations and party favors and basically everything you would expect from a typical sweet sixteen party. The mask is rainbow colored and has sequins on it... how could I not fall in love with it? Definitely one of the perks of working there!

Other events included the extravagant cake tasting like complete CRAP, the success of the beer coated salmon, eating my Key Lime Pie Larabar (I LOVEDDDD IT), finding out several piece of extremely juicy gossip and having my coworkers tell me that they loved meeeeee! It was a good night <3

I cannot believe my eyes....

New obsession. Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog... it's basically one of the best things ever. I managed to stumble upon it while entertaining myself by watching Brotherhood 2.0 videos (NERDFIGHTER!), one click and TADA! I ended up downloading the movie, which is only 42 minutes long, and am currently in the mode of listening to the one song dozens upon dozens of times because that's what I do when I REALLY like a particular song. Want to check out the song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOKm7mxGV6w

Post that in your toolbar and you shall see the video of "On the Rise/My Eyes". It's fabulous! If my recommendation isn't enough then watch it because NEIL PATRICK HARRIS sings... and he sings well. Dr. Horrible FTW!


Good news, I get to work today and I'm pretty sure I'm getting PAID! Talk about a nice change of pace considering the fact that I've been doing nothing but roaming around my house and doing FOOD associated things this past week. Not sure if I'll be on dishwasher duty or not but I do know one thing.... I'm tots going to have a legit reason to eat one of my Larabars! That'll hopefully keep me from picking at things while I'm there. My guesstimation is that I'll probably be there until midnight at the latest. I'll take what I can get! I need the damn money! Especially for tomorrow!

I'm SUPER excited for tomorrow, been looking forward to it for two weeks now! Sam, Allie and I will be meeting in NYC for a night of birthday fun-ness! Allie's birthday was yesterday and mine is on Friday so it's a joint kind of thing. I'm pretty sure we still have NO idea what we'll actually be doing thanks to the wonders of indecisiveness. It should be fab either way though... we're just awesome like that =)





I can't seem to find the little button that centers all the paragraphs! What happened to itttttttt? Now I don't feel as symmetrical anymore! Grr.

My Whole Foods virginity has been taken!

I was up at 6:30 this morning... isn't that fabulous? See I thought it was going to be impossible for me to wake up but I was up and about like it was nothing at all! Not too surprising I suppose considering I've always been a morning type of person so it was OK! The reason I was up so early was because my mom brought home a challah from work and it's been going awfully stale just sitting on the counter with no one eating it. I decided, in an attempt to save the challah, to make some cinnamon french toast for my niece! It came out well I think, I went stupid and only allowed myself a small piece with some strawberries. Impulsively I stricted and I feel really guilty about giving in so easily, it was a punishment sort of thing as a matter of fact. I might as well admit this also, I broke my days count again. It was minor though but still, I was doing so well..... Just got to keep trying I suppose.

I'm actually in no mood to be, well, in a bad mood right now! Today was definitely a bright and shiny kind of day! For one thing, someone bought one of the books I posted on Half.com and I made $20 for a book my dad found in the garage! I then decided to finally trudge to CVS and take advantage of that 10 bars for $10 deal! Let me tell you, it was well worth it... like a good girl I've provided a few pictures of my purchases (keep in mind though that it's cell phone quality.... not exactly the best!)

My 10 bars that I am SO EXCITED to have in my possession! I bought 4 Larabars (cherry pie, apple pie and two peanut butter), a Luna bar (Nutz Over Chocolate), a strawberry SoyJoy bar, a caramel nut Kashi roll bar (I've read some fabulous things about this one!), a strawberry yogurt Zone bar and two Kashi Go-Lean Crunch bars (chocolate almond and cinnamon coffee cake). This purchase alone made my entire day but then I was treated to my first ever trips to WHOLE FOODS!!! FINALLY!!!!! I have no words for how amazing that place is! Granted I was a tad overwhelmed so only made 5 purchases but before I go back to Rider? Boy howdie I will be buying some EPIC things!

There must have been at least 12 different varieties of Larabars! I had to buy the KEY LIME PIE and PECAN PIE ones because, well, I love pie! Heehee. Along with those I also made the purchase I've been wanting to make since I started reading food blogs back in October....

ALMOND BUTTER!!!!!!!!!

I saw the jar and immediately bought it without any doubt in my mind! This morning I added it to my morning oats instead of peanut butter (I still love my PB though <3)>

I also bought some B-12 energy packets that give a boost of energy when you add it to water, juice, etc. and a bag of soybeans!! My sister used to make them ALL THE TIME so it's kind of a throwback buying them. I've always been a fan though, the more vegetables the merrier!

The place is pricey (Whole Paycheck anyone?) but I think certain things are worthy the extra money if it's going to result in feeling fuller longer and not to mention a general healthier meeee! Essentially that is the long term goal so Whole Foods has given me another reason to smile. Kind of silly I admit but I think as a food obsessed kind of girl I'm allowed to feel that way!

ED is currently winning the war.

I thought I would be stronger than this but I'm not. I just did a half hour mirror check when I clearly know by now that that is a BAD idea. I bought a dress today and when I tried it on.... well, let's just say I wasn't happy with how it looked. Like an impulse my mind was just like POW "you look like your pregnant" and POW "nice double chin fatass" and the other negative things that I just want to keep away. I really do want to be OK but I do NOT think I'm even at the point of being able to blatantly say that I think I'm beautiful. And earlier today my mom told me how much she weighs 142 and then proceeded to ask me if I weighed around 150.

Christ.

I admit it. I'm NOT 150 and I do know the real number. Even in this time of "recovery" that I'm attempting I still can't help but be ashamed of the number. So horribly and utterly ashamed of what my weight is right now. I want so desperately to not care anymore and just be a "healthy" weight and yet I'm disgusted with myself still.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm going to chalk this under the section known as a sort of "relapse" because the ED has taken over my brain completely at the present moment and isn't letting go. To go back to how everything was would be so EASY; you never forget something you were once the master of. I know I shouldn't go back but if even if I'm trying so hard to be happy and it's still NOT happening then what else is there left for me to do?

Riding the crimson wave again.

A couple days ago I wrote some stuff concerning my thoughts about women with disordered eating habits and lack a menstrual cycle. Unfortunately I also mentioned my own personal LACK of a menstrual cycle for 7 or 8 months. However, I have some news....... to be blunt? I got my womanhood back today. Ironic no?

My brain is definitely in two places right now currently and it's sad that I can't control it. The mean part of my brain (the EDNOS) is yelling, "FAILUREEEEEE!!!!" and is trying to convince me that this is ultimately a bad thing. It's saying that this shows no existance of willpower and all this other horrible nonsense; if y'all could be in my brain right now you would see a BATTLE going on. The other part of my brain (the smart part of me) is repeating, "You're closer to being HEALTHY and this IS a good thing". It's fighting back so hard and I truly want to believe that everything is going to be OK. I'm scared though to be honest.... my EDNOS was, and still kind of is, that source of comfort when everything else seems to be screwed up as hell. To consider one day giving up that comfort is not something I'm looking forward to but I think in my heart I know it's what is for the best. I mean hey, I can say that I don't have amenorrhea! So now if I do ever actually want to have babies, I can =)

And tomorrow Larabars/Clif bars/Kashi bars/Zone bars are on sale 10 for $10 so I am going to grab a bunch for Rider-ness! I hope they have some good and tasty ones! (sighs) Optimism, I need to keep optimistic.... I can do this, I KNOW I can.

LOL it's a lot easier being optimistic when you have crazy things like THIS is laugh at!

Random ass stories add character.

One hand is cold, one hand isn't, the dog is sitting on my foot and the snow is coming down!

Remember back in grade school when you would PRAY for it to snow? Talk about the good ole' days. In college your classes only get cancelled based on the commuters! At Rider I had one snow day last year and it was seriously AWESOME. I remember running around, building a snowman, having a snowball fight, eating fish at Dalys (LOL) and then watching movies. If I'm not mistaken that was the night that I fell off my bed for the first time! I had been eating rice cakes and threw them underneath my bed where they usually go. However, the bag was upside down which meant that the crumbs would have escaped and I would have gotten buggys! So being the genius I was I reached down and tried to turn the bag rightsideup (I had accomplished this task many times before!). Keep in mind that my bed last year was on risers and was about 5 feet off the ground. I had just reached down but instead of being able to stop myself like normal my body decided to keep going; I knew I was going down. The weird thing? Instead of going, "AHHHHH!" or even trying to stop myself from falling I took on a robotic-like voice and went, "Oh nooooo" and....

*THUD*

Down I went. Luckily only one other person was there but then she called up my roommate and felt it absolutely necessary to tell her as well. I didn't get hurt and I wasn't even drunk when this happened. Ironyyyyy! It's now just one of those things that I can think back to and just think, "Awwww I was such a silly freshman!"

I'm not sure why I decided to share that store with y'all. Errrr, I had a bowl of cauliflower for lunch? The bowl was HUGE and I put some cheese, spinach and ketchup in it. I sort of killed the healthy I'm aware but it was damn good. That lunch would be a certified, "God you eat some weird shit" comment compliments of my lovely roomie.

Otherwise? I need to go on a yarn run and it's obviously that I have some form of writing ADD. Buuuuuuuuttttttttttt.... my count is stationed at a little more than two weeks!

=)

A video blog? Oyy, it's definitely something.

This is probably the WORST video blog that has ever been created, EVER. I take full responsibility for it's lack of quality and general interesting-ness at all. Enjoy??

It seems that I have the perfect face for a writing career! Did you see that self made ugly joke I just made there??? Hope so because there will be plenty more of those! You know I wasn't expecting too much from myself in my attempts at making a "video blog". Considering the fact I use my cell phone as my digital camera it's like it was made in a basement. Well, OK, it WAS made in a basement.......... I LIVE in a basement. Whoops. But maybe if I was, oh I don't know, remotely interesting that bloggy would have been a tad more entertaining to watch. I'm actually not too sure why I'm posting it..... I think even my speaking is a tad too low to hear clearly enough. Err practice makes perfect though? Maybe??? Please?? Booooooooooo.

Happy.... could possibly be one of the best words ever actually!

Happy Wednesday everyone! Maybe not "happy" but it's been at least remotely content for the most part. I almost feel like this is partially because I had a spinach salad and I am unofficially OBSESSED with spinach now. I just can't under why children don't like vegetables!! Vegetables are like the most tasty and amazing thing that has ever existed ever! Blast those children.... either I'm not having my own and if I do we are going to be one hell of a healthy household.

I totally did a throwback exercise today and DDR'd for an hour (burning 330 calories!) There's just something about the constant feet moving/dancing that makes me feel so GOOD. It's one of those little things that people don't know about me, I DDR and I DDR well. The game itself holds a very dear place in my heart because it was what helped me to lose the weight I wanted before graduation. I'm telling y'all, you commit to it and it WILL provide results; especially when Mother Nature decides to PMS and make it impossible to run in the park!

So I've had one of those topics on my mind that I know the menfolk don't want to read about but has been brought to my attention. Now it's been said that being "irregular" is normal, two months at the very least I would think. I know that irregular is probably not the case for me. To be blunt, it's been almost seven months since I've received my, ahem, "womanhood". I just have a lot of questions concerning it you know? The most major thing has to do with the whole aspect of being able to get pregnant. I've read about a few girls whose eating disorders screwed up their systems so badly that they were rendered unable to have children. I don't think that will end up being the case for me; I don't feel my EDNOS is that extreme of a case to do such a thing. However, I'm definitely on the fence as to whether it would upset me to not be able to ever get pregnant in my life if, at some point, I did in fact want to. I'm pretty sure I don't want children but must admit that not being able to is a scary thought. Would I be considered less of a woman because I knowingly tried to ruin my body and ruined the one of the most amazing things that a woman is capable of??? OK so it IS a scary thought but I'm hopeful. I've been eating as normally as possible for a couple weeks now and hope that things will slowly begin to "flow" again... yes, PUN INTENDED.

Happy and healthy right??? That's trying to be my new way of thinking but, as I have said MANY times before, I'm a work in progress.

Random act of trying to feel good about myself? I'm wearing my favorite kick ass lace up boots and even though I've just been sitting around my house, I won't take them off! I just love them too too much! I think this only proves that I need one of those calenders that tells me one fact a day that will make me happy! Put that on my to-do list!

I can't do yoga.... but I got my spinach =)

I am hereby openly admitting my existance as a complete WEENIE. By this I am refering none-other than my first attempt in officially doing yoga. It was bad to say the very least. I managed to get through barely a half hour of it before I completely gave up. Granted, when I say "getting through it" I actually mean only doing half of the poses correctly and whining to myself the rest of the time. I will admit, however, I was sweating BUCKETS after like 20 minutes. No denying that yoga can definitely be a fabulous workout. I don't think I'll be trying it again any time soon. It would seem that I need to be moving around constantly when it comes to exercising; I think I'll stick to running and dancing for now. I might be starting strength training as well, one thing at a time!

My mom finally took me to her favorite produce market and it was heavenly! Every kind of vegetable and fruit I could want was there! Not to mention breads, cheeses, fish and a... Dunkin Dounts? That's actually a pretty smart move when you think about it. It's like, "Alas! Look at these people buying their stuffs, let us provide them with coffee!" We made some rather fabulous purchases, including spinach which I have been craving for quite some time! To celebrate I made a truly awesome salad of spinach, romaine, string beans, tomatoes, wheat germ, some sliced almonds, a bit o' parm cheese and italian dressing. It made me quite content although I think I need to invest in a different dressing....hmm. Well you know what that means.... next stop is my first trip ever to WHOLE FOODS!

Random but I really need to call my boss to get money, I don't know if I'm digging this episode of Intervention and my birthday is in 18 days. Wheeeeeeee.

*EDIT*

I JUST REALIZED THAT MY COUNT IS 10 DAYS WITHOUT ME EVEN KNOWING! It's been more than a week and I'm actually really proud of myself considering the bad part of my brain was being kind of bonkers just the other day. But no, this work in progress is still truckin'!

Relapse in a sense.... DAMN.

Is it weird for an English major to be totally in love with a song called "Finite Simple Group" that is basically one big MATH joke?? Hopefully not because that is totally the case! I had to download it off of Youtube considering I kind of refuse to buy song off Napster or iTunes or anything related. It's all good though, the song is fun and makes me happy for some strange reason.

Happy is definitely something I need as of now; I've had something of a "bad" day I guess you could say. Basically the pessimist in me came out full-fledged thus entitling me to completely give up any sort of hope about the future of my life. It was an intense attack of self-loathing and OF COURSE in the brain of KeriBop self-loathing and self-consciousness come hand in hand with each other. For the most part I've been doing quite well in keeping my whole body dysmorphic/EDNOS at bay but as expected I had something of a relapse today. Like the disgusting impulse it is I ate at 10 in the morning and then would NOT let myself eat until 7. I KNEW this was going to happen again and the worst part of it was that I forgot how comforting that feeling it.

I'm really pissed at myself for allowing myself to reduce my intake so greatly AND to go running while lacking food energy. I screwed up and can only hope that my stupid brain doesn't want to attempt this nonsense AGAIN tomorrow. My bad mood is rather evident and EXTREMELY contradicting because I hate myself for still loving that empty feeling of a low daily intake.

Shit.

Another wish.

I want to be able to say that I am....

hyper.cheerful.bouncy.cheesy.cute.obsessed.positive.occasionallyannoying. I.AM.HAPPYHARDCORE.

Me have a fan base? Yeahhhhh, no.

I can't help but find it rather funny that this one told me that people can make money off blogging by "building up a fan base". Personally that's pretty LOL worthy.... mainly because I don't think that I possess the capablitity to build up any sort of fan base. See now if I was able to write in a more humorous manner then maybe we would have something to work with! Don't get me wrong though, I love blogging for the simple joys of writing!

My dad and I just put something to sell on Ebay! Haha I set the entire account up and he said he would split the profit 50/50 with me. Wheeeeeeeee! Father/daughter business starting up right here!

Alton Brown.....sex god?

Happy New Year everyone! Second day of 2009 and I'm actually kind of afraid about what's to come this year. I mean, 2008 blatantly kind of sucked which is boardline ironic considering i distinctly remember saying, "I already hate 2008!" Guess I kind of screwed myself over a bit; lack of optimism can kill when it wants to.

Don't get me wrong, my actual New Years Eve was certainly interesting. I ended up driving to Sam's and had a grand ole' time, to put it lightly anyway! Basically we started drinking at like 6:30 and just kind of LOL'd around until midnight. I bought an AWESOME hat from the dollar store though (random!) and then wrote, "KEVIN JONAS '09" on it because I do love that boy very dearly. As good as a time I had part of me couldn't help but feel guilty about not being home. Something about being there for my parents was bothering me whenever I saw Sam and her family having quaint little moments. I couldn't help but kind of just sigh out of sadness, God only knows the last time my family has been like that.

So.... resolutions anyone? I've been very on the fence about what I would like to accomplish this year. Because of this I'll list a few things that i wouldn't exactly consider "resolutions" but more so just things that I'll certainly have on my mind:

1. 
   
   Get back into therapy. I know I keep saying it but I also do know that it's a PRIORITY that I go back


2. 
   
   Stop screwing around when it comes to my intellect/grades. I'm a smart girl and feel that I've been neglecting that part of myself that used to be my main source of comfort. More reading, more writing and just generally more attempts to better my brain.


3. 
   
   I could go into MASS detail but essentially I need to sort out my priorities. I don't want to be in denial anymore, I want to be healthy and I want to STOP ruining my body because when it comes down to it, this is the only one I've got. I've already ruined myself with more than 25 scars and even though it kind of freaks me out, I WANT to live a long life.

I'm sure there are more things that I'll need to accomplish this year but it's a sort of take-things-as-they-come situation. Oh and there is one other thing I wouldn't mind taking care of..... hmph, I want to win back his trust. 'Nuf said.

Otherwise? I'm watching Alton Brown make a whole bunch of things with potatoes! Watching him makes me want to aspire to cook as well as he does; not to mention I find him attractive in a weird sort of way. Hmm, he's just sexy, I'm not ashamed to say that!

How could you NOT love him? <3

AND.... I made my own hummus! Yaaaaaaay.